It's Always Something

Today’s my birthday, and I’m wondering if it’s all just downhill after 21. What is there left to be excited about on your birthday? Do you just get less jazzed about it every year? Is it enough to have people remember because facebook tells them to?

18, clearly, you’re legally an adult, unrestricted driver’s licenst & right to vote.
21, duh, legally able to drink and carry a handgun (unless you’re in Illinois, I have a totally separate 2nd Amendment rant I don’t want to get into right now).

So I’m 23. Yay? I feel like law school graduation & passing the bar will be much more significant events in my life than “Oh look I’m another year older. Pass the salt.” I’m not the type of person to go out and get trashed at the bar generally, let alone because it’s some arbitrary day of the year. Nor am I the type to go clubbing, because really, why am I going to wear tall uncomfortable shoes and dance around like an idiot with drunk sweaty strangers grinding on me? Eeew, no thank you.

I don’t know, maybe 25 will be better.

Today I’m going to hit the gym, maybe go shopping, and go buy pastries. The oven is on vacation at my house because it’s so hot here and it’s not even june, so no cake.

Meh, whatever. Happy Birthday to me!

Phone?

My cell contract is up in July, so I’m in the market for a new phone… and it’s time for me to join the 21st century and get a smartphone. Yes, I know I’m waaaay behind the curve here, but up until now I had no reason to have one.

The fact that I don’t want an iphone aside (i’m convinced apple products are of the devil and suck your soul out through your eyes) I’m looking at android phones, primarily the HTC Inspire and Vivid, also the Samsung Captivate.

Basically I have no idea what I’m doing and would welcome input from you guys about it.

Help!

Today’s Lesson.

(Source: lovequotesrus)

Forgiveness.

I’m calling my mom in less than three hours, and I’m a mental wreck. We haven’t spoken since August after she verbally attacked me in her apartment and vilified my dad to my face.

I was angry for almost ten months. Nearly a year. That’s a long time, that’s the entirety of my 1L year (yes, everything revolves around law school for me now, deal with it) that I was without my mom.

It’s hard, forgiving people. But ultimately, forgiveness doesn’t give a mulligan to someone who hurt you, it gives you the opportunity to get rid of the negativity and the emotional weight you carry around by maintaining that anger. It can’t be done all at once, but rather in little bits, especially for big things that can destroy a relationship if left to fester.

So she and I are going to talk. And i don’t know what I’m going to say, exactly, but I want her to know that she’s my mom, and I love her, and I need her in my life. People make mistakes, but it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be forgiven. She broke my trust, and it’s going to take time to rebuild it. I won’t tolerate her bad mouthing my dad because he’s not the same man she left. I can’t make her come home, because it has to be her choice to divorce him or fix their relationship. I can’t be responsible for her relationship with him, because I’m the child and it’s not my place to do so. I can only be responsible for my relationship with her.

I don’t like talking or even thinking about the divorce, because even though intelligently I know it’s not my fault, there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, emotionally I am convinced to the contrary. I could have fixed it. There was something I could have done, and I just didn’t try hard enough, I wasn’t smart enough to figure it out. I’m in graduate school and I cry like a child every time I think about it because her leaving makes me feel like I’ve been abandoned, like I wasn’t good enough for her to take me with her, like I was an accident and my birth was a mistake that kept them together far longer than they ever should have been.

I’d be lying to myself if I thought for a second this would be easy. It’s not. But this is bigger than a fight between me and my mother, it’s about reviving a relationship that I know I’m going to need down the road. This isn’t to say that I’m being entirely selfish, I know my mother needs me too, and part of a relationship is reciprocity.

I hope I can fix it :(

Things To Do: Start of Summer

So I have successfully survived my 1L year, hopefully 2 and 3 get easier, or at least I’ll get better at it. (UUGH INCOME TAX AT 8AM 3 DAYS A WEEEEEEEK.)

All i can do now is wait on grades and e-mail my old boss to see if she will take pity on me and hire me for the summer. Until I do that, I’m going to be a total lazy ass and do whatever I want. Oh, and law review write-on. Crap.

So here’s the list:

Law Review summer write-on competition
Haircut
Make-Up Anniversary Date - cancelled on account of finals
Design new tattoo, set up appt
See Avengers movie (again, fucking finals)
Help boyfriend move
Shopping for big girl clothes
Get clothes tailored
Deal with my mother
Plan birthday events (23, I’m old)
Dates with various friends
Gun shopping (!!!!)
Unfuck my house - my room, bathroom, etc.
Take cat to the vet - psychogenic alopecia, my cat is a headcase.

I should have most/all of this done by the end of the month. I’m also planning on volunteering at the humane society and doing a whole lot of summer reading. I am so excited for getting to read things that aren’t cases or statutes or hornbooks or outlines. I’m looking mostly at some classics for the summer, but i am open to recommendations. Right now, the list is : Song of Ice & Fire Book 4 (judge all you want), On the Road, A Clockwork Orange, From Russia with Love, Dr. No, Dracula, and the Divine Comedy. Again, if you have suggestions, hit me.

I get all derpy when I see this guy. Nobody in hockey should be this dreamy. [Yes, dreamy.] I’m calling Rangers over Kings in six. Anyone else?

Final Final

t-minus nine hours until i’m done with 1L.

scary thought.

property exam at 2 this afternoon, then come home, make dinner with boyfriend, and go to bed.

I have never been so emotionally and psychologically exhausted.

But I’ve survived.

Stay tuned to see if my grades are good enough to keep me around for next year.

Hope so!

Tom.

I consider myself an ally. I will admit that I am ignorant of cis/trans issues, as well as the various intersectional issues that go along with like movements, but I say that I’m an ally because I want everyone to be happy, to be themselves, to be safe.

I love Against Me! and I love Tom Gabel. The fact that she is out about her transgender identity does not change that love. Anyone who has a problem with it is a fucking ignorant, bigoted moron and should be voted off the island.

And that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Model Penal Code

Can fuck off and die.

Sold my crim law book for tattoo money.

Hope i don’t have to buy it again.

i swear, as soon as some genius woman invents the boob transfusion (scientists, make this happen.) i’m going down to Cs. this is fucking ridiculous. I just want a bra that fits and doesn’t cost me a fucking fortune OR look like my grandmother should wear it.

That REALLY Scary Moment

when you tell your boyfriend’s mom “Aww thanks for the happy anniversary wishes, that was nice of you.” trying to convey “hey i really love your son and i will do my best not to totally fuck him up like his last gf/fiancee because really she was an uber bitch but seriously its all puppies and kittens and cotton candy and violent films and ska music when we’re together.”

and she responds “Oh well I can’t wait until you’re an official member of the family!! I know I have a few more years to wait!”

WUT

(Oh fuck I’m going to be married in five years.)

That Scary Moment

when the ball pops out of your CBR because you’re an idiot and play with it when you’re distracted/studying and all you can think is “SHIT now I have to go to the tattoo shop for the THIRD TIME to get this put back in.”

Until…

You manage to pop it back in the ring all by yourself and feel like a total boss.

Recommence procrastinating.